I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
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I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
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Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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