you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
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I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
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I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize