My hair reeks of homosexuality.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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