actually, I'm a sock model
Apparently you make a good broom.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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