At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I still have a little drunk in my system
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
