What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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