I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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