You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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