i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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