I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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