last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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