I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize