we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
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his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
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Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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