So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
don't judge my taste in strippers
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
