Already got asked if we're dating
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
