I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
