i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
