I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
