So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
