just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
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He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
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He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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