Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Randomize
