My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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