I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
