Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
