Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
