3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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