If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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