wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
