"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
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Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
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I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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