my text book just quoted the cookie monster
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
