what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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