Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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