Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
