So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
