I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I FOUND THE LEGS
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
