I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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