I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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