I intend to get homeless drunk
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
