My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
