dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
