she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
