My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
