Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
