Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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