i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
