I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
