I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
