and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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