Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Randomize
