70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
