meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
