hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
