I faked an abortion last night.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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